Whenever I train managers and supervisors on the importance of developing empathy I get outward assurances that they understand and agree (through nods and uh-huh’s), but I can see behind their eyes that this idea is filled with concern. If they were honest about this behind-the-scenes response, most of them would admit that showing empathy can result in a bit of trap. To be empathetic I need to view the world from the perspective and experience of another person. That should affect the way that I view and treat them and in the case of business relationships, it may mean creating some kind of reduction of expectations based on their situations, difficulties or life-challenges.
Being Human
If someone is going through a highly emotional, bitter divorce we should be willing to identify with that pain and make allowances for them not functioning “at their best.” That is the human-honoring, kind thing to do. The difficulty that surfaces is connected to the way that people interpret their own pain. In the same way that different people have varied physical constitutions which makes one individual more vulnerable to sickness and having generally weaker health than another, everyone has a different emotional constitution. I’ve seen some people lose a parent to cancer and not miss a day of work, with coworkers only finding out about it when they make a random comment about traveling to Jersey for a memorial service over the weekend. And I’ve seen other people fall completely apart and miss a week of work over the illness of a pet. You have to beg one person to take a personal day off for self-care and the other you have to prod in moving forward and returning to their responsibilities.
Giving empathy to a person who is likely to protract the need for reprieve and perhaps even abuse the allowances of managerial kindness can become a sympathy pit into which you have previously been stuck and now want to avoid at all costs. It’s difficult to read those situations ahead of time and accurately anticipate how one employee will respond to the expression of empathy as opposed to another, so many of you have decided to steer clear of those emotional hazards altogether. I get that, but I also know that building employee engagement requires the trust and rapport that cannot be gained without the meaningful, individual expression of empathy.
Here are a couple of suggestions to help you manage with empathy while avoiding the sympathy trap:
1. Demonstrate empathy and have honest conversations
You will need to communicate empathy; “I’m really sorry for what you are experiencing and know that this is a difficult and painful time for you…”, but too many managers leave the harder points of timelines and expectations unspoken because it seems inappropriate and perhaps counterproductive to conveying empathy. Demonstrate empathy by telling the individual what you are going to do to help them. “We care about you and want to see you get through this in a healthy way, so we are going to reduce your caseload and allow you more flexibility on your work schedule for the next two weeks.” Then immediately define what this will look like and the expectation that they take advantage of the time and do what they need to do to get back on their feet. Leaving off straight and open communication about these details and expectations results in ambiguity. Ambiguity is the gateway to ending up in the understanding trap. Act in empathy and clarify how this will look in terms of timelines and organizational responsibility.
2. Use what you perceive: Practice functional empathy
Too often our perception of another person’s pain and insight into their way of seeing life leads to the cul-de-sac of merely trying to be understanding. This insight, however, is useful in helping you to build the trust, rapport and identification of their needs that will allow you to influence them in a positive direction. Emotionally stuck people stay stuck because they are isolated. This isolation can be self-imposed, but it is often the result of being sympathetically coddled by people who are just making room for them, but unable to help them.
Empathetically seeing that a coworker is suffering under the weight of regret over past decisions can allow you to identify with them, relate those regrets to your own experience, and (when they are receptive) share with them the way you moved through or past your own regrets. They may not admit it, but hurting people need hopeful guidance. They need to know that those offering guidance understand them, care about them and at least see glimpses of the world in which they live. This is empathy, but you must make it functional if you intend to genuinely help them and avoid the sympathy trap.