Many parents tell their children to be nice to friends or siblings. That’s good training, but what does it mean to be nice? On the surface it seems we are asking children to be polite and not mistreat others. Often, however, nice implies that I act in a way that pleases the other person. The neighbor kid who complained to my mother that I wasn’t being nice to him was basing that claim on my refusal to let him take the handlebars off my new bicycle and attach them to his. That was a subjective definition of nice which I didn’t happen to share. I’ve heard people make the request of others, “You be nice to me…” I recall that those were the exact words my bride whispered to me during our wedding reception as we followed the tradition of feeding each other the first bite of cake. There is always a clear implication in this kind of request that the requester is the one who determines what being nice really means.
If being nice does mean acting in a way that pleases another person, it will inevitably become problematic. I can’t always please other people or make them happy while staying true to my personal convictions. Sometimes pleasing a person will demand that I act in a way that is incongruent with what I believe is best for me and for them. It may please my diabetic friend when I bring over a banana cream pie on the occasion of visiting her home, but is being nice in that instance also being reckless about her wellbeing?
People Pleasers
It appears to me that pleasing people is an unhealthy component of dysfunctional relationships. Whether it is full-blown co-dependency or some other less-obvious granting of approval in exchange for making someone happy, it is a pattern of relationship behavior that always yields undesirable results.
So, do we then live in disregard of how our actions lean into the experiences of others? Sadly, many in our culture have descended along that narcissistic road. “I’m going to do what pleases me and to hell with the rest of you” embodies the attitude held by a growing population of people. Our society is getting sicker as uglier as this kind of attitude dominates the psyche of its citizens.
Try Kindness
I believe that the alternate path to pleasing on one side and disregarding on the other is kindness. Being kind means that I’m going to be respectful of who the other person is and treat them with care. Kindness allows me to have honest conversations, to act in ways that align with my personal convictions and to leave people whole as I interact with them in ways that may not always make them happy.
Empathy is a function of kindness. As I make an attempt to see the world from the viewpoint and experience of another person, I become inclined to act carefully with their feelings without, at the same time, taking responsibility for making everything okay. In their book “Safe People” psychologists Cloud and Townsend state “In safe relationships, empathy is a large part of the equation… We can’t stay in the empathetic position permanently, because we could lose ourselves. But empathy is what makes a relationship real – and safe.”
Safe People
People who demand that you act in ways that please them are not safe. You will get the short end of that manipulative stick every time you grab onto it. At the same time, acting without empathy and kindness toward others makes you unsafe. I know a lot of people who proudly wear the label of being a truth-teller and are somehow oblivious to the relationship wreckage they leave as they dispense their version of truth without any degree of respect or care for the people they have efficiently set straight.
I didn’t smoosh the cake into my bride’s face on our wedding day, but not because I wanted to play nice. I restrained myself against the verbal promptings of onlookers (who wanted to see what has become a normal reception spectacle), because I wanted to respect the dignity and beauty my requester brought into all the plans and preparations for that day. Kindness, along with the empathy it requires will not be easy to do. It will, however, lead to a richer life with deeply authentic relationships.
P.S.
My bride and I did have an informal reception with friends back in our hometown a couple of weeks after our wedding day where both of us ended up with frosting up our noses. Being kind doesn’t mean you can’t have fun!