“…if you never let up from the grind of doing or chasing, you forfeit the contentment of simply being, of appreciating what you have, and the important work of occupying the ground you’ve gained.”
After posting the blog titled “Necessary Leaving” (and getting some pushback on that subject) it occurred to me that there are also necessary arrivals. Most of us have enough self-awareness to never claim that we’ve “arrived,” but I wonder how personal contentment, in-the-moment joy, and the sense of satisfaction are kept at an unattainable distance by the persistent, unsatisfied need to always be somewhere beyond where we are.
I grew up in a faith tradition that taught that people could reach a state of self-denial and sinlessness which would allow them to attain complete sanctification (holiness). Among the books I inherited from my grandfather who was a holiness preacher, I found one where the author described achieving his sanctification a few months before his wife reached hers. I read that and tried to imagine what kind of condescending hellish misery she must have lived in during that time. I also wondered about who made the call on that process. Who gets to say, “Okay, you’ve arrived”? Is that a subjective claim or an objective proclamation?
Breathing Room
All I know is that history and humanity demonstrate that personal movement from worse to better happens slowly and incrementally, and perfection is simply not on the list of options. Daniel Brown, a man who had a profound mentoring influence in my life used to say, “Remember that book from the 1960’s I’m Okay, You’re Okay? The better title is I’m Messed Up and You’re Really Messed Up.” Often all we do with the awareness of our imperfections and lack of arrival at all-my-ducks-in-a-row-land is caution ourselves from using it as a rationalization for drifting along with an attitude that says “this is just the way I am.” Rather than just seeing persistent imperfection as a cautionary point, I’m suggesting it should instead offer us some space to breathe, and an opportunity to rest and acknowledge the distance we’ve traveled.
I’m perpetually in a tension between a part of my life that seeks ease and comfort, and another part that craves progress, movement, and growth. I’m sure that’s not just me. These conflicting desires are not mortal enemies, but the tension they produce reveals the need for creating better rhythms of life. Activity must give way to non-activity, chasing must be set aside for reflecting, striving must stop to allow time for resting.
If you too frequently give in to the desire for comfort, you sacrifice the time and opportunities to grow and achieve. However, if you never let up from the grind of doing or chasing, you forfeit the contentment of simply being, of appreciating what you have, and the important work of occupying the ground you’ve gained.
Relentless Pursuit of Perfect
I recently saw a YouTube video of a lady who is a self-professed “Christian deconstructionist.” She talked about coming to the place of questioning why the church gathers Sunday after Sunday, and Wednesday night after Wednesday night in the constant inspection of our imperfections. Although I didn’t agree with her overall perspective, her criticism of the relentless search for ways to get better did ring true.
You’ve likely been arriving in many areas of your life, but discontent and expectations from self and others can keep you from seeing it. It’s a bit like realizing how much your spouse or children have changed when met with the reaction of people who have not seen them for months or years. Your familiarity resulting from being around them every day prevents you from noticing the full degree of changes in their appearance and mannerisms until others react with their surprise at how different they are from the last time they saw them.
I’m sure you’ve gained ground and arrived at better ways of thinking, relating to others, and life perspectives that are helping you in ways that previous perspectives could not, but your time living in your own skin is keeping you from noticing what you’ve gained and how much you’ve grown. Those mid-journey points of arrival won’t meet the inflated expectations of others or those that arise from your own self-critical thoughts. It’s important to keep in mind that the critics outside or inside your mind are exceptionally hard to please and impossible to fully satisfy, so don’t allow them to block your view of the distance you’ve traveled.
Overcoming Negativity Bias
Psychologists have studied and concluded that humans are much more impacted by negative events than by positive ones. They call this the negativity bias. This bias causes us to remember insults more than compliments, to dwell on unpleasant events more than pleasant ones, or simply focus more attention on negative information to the neglect of positive. Becoming aware of how your current behaviors should be changed or improved is a healthy motivational checkpoint for your personal growth. If you are caught in the undertow of a persistent, unsatisfied awareness of the distance between where you are and where you should be, however, it is likely a readout of a negativity bias.
You might also experience hypersensitivity to imperfection surfacing from the critical environment in which you were raised, or the perfectionistic coping mechanisms you developed to prove yourself and validate your worth to others. Wherever the source is for your sense of dissatisfaction, paying attention and reflecting on where you’ve arrived, changed and grown will help your mental equilibrium.
The psychological benefits of being grateful are indisputable. I find that most people who try to practice gratitude identify the people, things, events, and opportunities for which they feel thankful. To overcome your negativity bias that only focuses on your defects, I’d suggest that you try adding the personal distance traveled and the in-journey points of arrival to your gratitude list. Reflect and appreciate the places where you’ve arrived mentally, physically, relationally, and spiritually that you’ve not been before.
Your list of things that could/should be improved will always be longer than the record of the growth you’ve gained, so accept that as a point of reality. Then work at counterbalancing the pressure of seeing the distance you have yet to gain with the peace that rises from gratitude for the places you’ve arrived.
Socially Overexposed
It feels like a worn-out subject these days, but I can’t honestly address the gap in personal contentment without pointing to the perils of social media. We really have no idea how much damage is being done to our sense of satisfaction by the steady exposure to people who put their success, happiness, wealth, accomplishment, popularity and influence on display with white teeth smiles and brag-posts on what they have and do. Beyond passive exposure to exaggerated models of success and happiness, social media has opened floodgates for the active demeaning of people through bullying, shaming, and criticism of thoughts and appearance. All this from people who hide behind screens, mocking and ridiculing others with impunity.
You may think you are the exception or somehow immune to the negative effects of constant demeaning and comparison-making, but please don’t be fooled. Outside of unhealthy parenting methods, there are no other plausible correlations besides screentime and social media to account for the sudden and dramatic increase in depression, anxiety, and suicide ideation in our culture.
I recently heard someone say that our current culture has a type of life dysmorphia. In the same way that a person might obsess over a perceived imperfection in their body and spend tons of mental energy worrying about and trying to conceal flaws that are completely unnoticeable to others, our view of defects in our lives personally and situationally creates its own dysmorphic obsession. Not having the life someone else has, being where you think you should be by this age, or feeling ashamed about the condition of your health, career, family, marriage or finances, can so dominate your thinking that you are unable to find contentment, in-the-moment joy, or satisfaction in anything. You can counteract life-dysmorphia by tracking your arrivals, appreciating what you have and acknowledging the distance you’ve traveled.
Compounding Benefits
Lastly, here’s the compound benefit of tracking your arrivals… you will gain greater patience and appreciation for others. The critic in your head not only holds you to impossible standards, it also convinces you that perfect is normal. That perception easily bleeds out of your inner world to the situations and people around you, holding them hostage to the standards of perfection you’ve been struggling to keep.
By giving yourself the space and grace to appreciate the in-journey arrivals you’ve experienced, being grateful for the distance you’ve traveled and creating better rhythms of striving and resting, you can enjoy more of your life and live with greater understanding and patience for others.