In Pursuit of Survival
What I found interesting was the military-trained male who displayed no empathy whatsoever toward his female partner. Most of the time he would merely grunt when she complained of hunger pangs, or sometimes he gave no response at all. At one point the camera focused in on her bare legs that were covered with swollen red bumps from thousands of insect bites. When she described how painful they were and the extreme discomfort they were inflicting, her partner shrugged his shoulders and said, “Hmm, well they aren’t really bothering me.” Later in the show he explained that his complete lack of concern for his partner was necessary, in his estimation, to stay focused on the tasks at hand. For him, caring about the needs and feelings of others was a waste of time and energy and served only as a distraction away from his efficient pursuit of survival.I’m Not Uncaring
Since watching the show I’ve been reflecting on how certain personalities in the workplace might be making the same sort of efficiency judgment. Their devotion to getting the job done is resulting in a ROI assessment that legitimizes their lack of empathetic engagement with coworkers. It’s not that they are uncaring; they are merely being efficient.
I saw this in operation with a young professional with whom I was doing some executive advising. She was so anxious to get to the fix that she barely let coworkers or clients express what the problem was, much less giving room for them to express how they felt about the problem. She was constantly being surprised that her quick and competent answers were not being valued by others and that these same people would complain to supervisors about how she was doing her job. In her mind efficiency was primary to success, so why was she being criticized rather than rewarded?
Shortening the Distance to the Fix
I dusted off an old expression some of my friends taught me years ago as they worked their way through AA 12-step groups, and shared it with her: “People don’t care how much you know, until they know how much you care.” She kept shortening the road between the problem and the solution because she wanted to be seen as efficient and competent. What she lost on that shortened road was the time and understanding required to identify with what others were feeling and experiencing as they faced that problem. Collaborations, like that between two naked people in the wilderness, demand that those involved feel more than merely tolerated; they want to know that people care about them as individuals and identify with their experience. The empathy factor must be considered if we want strong collaborations. This will require more time and what might appear as wasted energy, but it will produce much better results than making an efficiency based, impersonal assessment of whether the “juice is worth the squeeze.” What are your thoughts on the implications where efficiency is chosen over empathy?
Better Outcomes through Coaching (Adults)
We’re surrounded by answers but often fail to ask the questions that lead to real growth. Information alone rarely changes behavior. Coaching bridges the gap between knowing and becoming by helping people think more deeply, challenge assumptions, and take ownership of lasting personal and professional development.
The Sympathy Trap
Many managers avoid empathy because they’re afraid it will lower expectations or be taken advantage of. It doesn’t have to. The difference between empathy and sympathy is the difference between understanding someone’s struggle and becoming trapped by it. Healthy leadership requires both compassion and clear expectations.
Necessary Arriving
The pressure of seeing the distance you have yet to go or the improvements you could/should make can disrupt the peace you need to simply be and enjoy the in-journey arrivals you’ve already obtained. Here’s some suggested mindsets and wisdom for finding contentment.
Better Outcomes Through Coaching (Teens)
Coaching can feel like just a new fad but it is an effective form of communication and problem-solving that we seem to have misplaced with an obsession of having our own opinions and perspectives heard. We can enjoy far better outcomes in communication with teens (or really anyone) if we take an interest and ask insightful questions.
You Know that Only Happened in Your Head, Right?
Have you ever argued with someone… before the conversation even happened? Imagined conversations can prepare us, but they can also create assumptions, defensiveness, and disappointment based on stories we’ve invented. Healthy relationships require fewer imagined conclusions and more real conversations.
Necessary Leaving
Staying put and sticking stuff out provides great benefits both for your relationships and for the development of your character. There are times, however, when leaving is necessary. Here are some thoughts to help you navigate some important departures.