Quietly Leading in a Noisy World
Learning about introversion and extroversion in the seventh grade didn’t mean much to me. At the time, I was mostly trying to figure out who I was in the middle of all the horrible awkwardness associated with being 12 and turning 13.
After high school, the steps of my life seemed to lead naturally from college to career, marriage, and having kids. I didn’t give much thought to how my hardwired temperament affected my life beyond the results of an MBTI or any of the other psychometric assessments I completed along the way.
It wasn’t until I experienced my first serious bout of burnout, accompanied by a month of persistent depression, that I began to see how significantly my working life was misaligned with my introverted temperament.
Introversion is not a disease, although introverts regularly experience a sense of dis-ease in workplaces designed around constant interaction, rapid responses, group brainstorming, open offices, and the expectation that visible enthusiasm is evidence of engagement.
There is nothing wrong with being an introvert, just as there is nothing wrong with being an extrovert.
Some introverts would be terrified to stand in front of a large audience and give a presentation of the sort that I do all the time. I would rather do that a thousand times than stand opposite someone I don’t know and try to make small talk.
I’m an introvert who has learned to function in roles requiring extroverted capabilities. I sometimes call myself a functional extrovert.
Susan Cain, author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, writes, “Sometimes it helps to be a pretend extrovert. There will always be time to be quiet later.”
I understand what she means. Introverted leaders must sometimes practice behaviors that do not come naturally to us. We speak publicly, initiate conversations, lead meetings, attend networking events, and make ourselves accessible to the people we manage.
The challenge is learning how to do those things without pretending to be someone we are not.
One of the greatest leadership growth areas for introverts is the learning the difference between subjective and objective self-awareness.
Introverts often possess a high degree of subjective self-awareness. We spend a lot of time examining our thoughts, feelings, reactions, and perceptions. Unfortunately, understanding what is happening inside us does not necessarily mean we understand how others are experiencing us.
A quiet demeanor may feel thoughtful to us but look disinterested to someone else.
Taking time to formulate an answer may feel responsible to us but appear indecisive to a fast-moving supervisor.
Closing the office door to concentrate may feel necessary to us but communicate unavailability to the people we manage.
The problem is that many of the reactions to these perceptions take place behind our backs. People may quietly conclude that we are bothered, unfriendly, annoyed, aloof, or inconvenienced by their presence.
Introverted managers need what we might call perception feedback loops.
This is not about discovering whether you are liked or popular. It is about understanding how your words, facial expressions, availability, and actions are being interpreted by the people who supervise you and the employees you supervise.
Instead of asking someone the broad and slightly terrifying question, “How am I doing as a manager?” connect the request for feedback to a specific project or period of work.
At the beginning, ask:
“What do you need from me to do your best work on this?”
During the work, ask:
“Are you getting the direction and support you need?” “And how is that coming across to you?”
At the end, ask:
“What did I do that helped, and what should I do differently next time?”
Your supervisor can also provide a perspective you cannot obtain on your own. They may hear organizational commentary and observe reactions that never make their way back to you.
This kind of feedback helps us make small but meaningful adjustments. We can smile or nod while someone is speaking, explain that we are thinking before responding, and assure an employee that our silence is not irritation.
Introverted leaders do not need to become louder.
But we do need to become more intentional about what our quietness communicates.
In Part Two, I’ll explore why introverted leaders need to define their working relationships instead of expecting others to figure them out.