You Know that Only Happened in Your Head, Right?

I spend a lot of time on the road these days and while I like traveling by car because of the solitude it affords; mind-wandering time is not always that helpful for me. When my mind wanders I tend to think through anticipated conversations. You know what that’s like, right? This practice is especially true for me when those future conversations are surrounded with some bit of dread or are necessary to resolve a conflict. I work through the material content of that exchange long before the actual meeting ever happens. There is a good side to this practice, because it does help you to sort out the best approach and weigh out the words you might use before you speak them in front of another human being. The hard part, however, is preventing yourself from reaching conclusions about the other person’s responses and reactions. Those imagined conclusions will cause you to be defensive about things they never said and arguing against points they may have never considered.

Knowing What Others Think

I’ve wondered how much this type of inside-my-head conversation has actually shaped the way that I’m responding to people outwardly. Recently, my mood or body language prompted the question from a friend about what was wrong. I caught myself describing my disappointment in the things they thought or believed about me. Knowing what someone thinks or believes about me can only legitimately come from one source: A conversation we actually had (which, in this case, had not happened). The two other, less trustworthy sources are: Something someone else told me that my friend thought or believed about me (which is a problem, but likely the subject of another blog), or some conversation I had with them inside my own head (the most likely source of my disappointed attitude toward them). What do we do with this private exercise in role-play? I have three suggestions:

Separate the Helpful from the Unhelpful

Thinking through the content, tone and identifying words that clarify from those that hurt are helpful in imagined conversations. Whatever you imagine they might say or do in response to what you are contemplating must be identified and discarded.

Clear your Mental Whiteboard

Drawing a conclusion about someone is typically accompanied by labels; insensitive, rude, spiteful, hard-nosed, narcissistic, clueless… you get the point. In order to relate to the person without the biases of these conclusions bleeding through in words or attitude, you must identify them and decide to remove them. It can be helpful to visualize those labels being erased one by one from a whiteboard. This process will significantly affect your openness toward them and the way in which you will hear and respond to them.

Engage Early in Adult Conversations

Delaying hard conversations for a few hours may allow you the cool-down time to get your emotions checked and managed, but avoidance that drags out these hours into days and weeks gives too much time for unhelpful imaginary conversations. Do what you need to do so you can have that difficult conversation, but then have it. Delaying an important conversation never helps in relationships, organizational culture or your own development as a socially and emotionally aware adult. Have you found tips or tools to navigate through your in-my-own-head conversations? I’d love to hear them!

Necessary Arriving

July 4, 2024 No Comments

The pressure of seeing the distance you have yet to go or the improvements you could/should make can disrupt the peace you need to simply be and enjoy the in-journey arrivals you’ve already obtained. Here’s some suggested mindsets and wisdom for finding contentment.