(This is the workplace version of my interpersonal blog titled Nice or Kind)
Many of us were taught from childhood to be nice to other people. That was good training, but what does it actually mean to be nice?
On the surface, being nice seems to mean acting politely and not mistreating others. Often, however, nice carries an additional expectation: I should act in a way that pleases the other person.
That definition becomes particularly troublesome in the workplace.
Employees may describe a manager as nice because the manager rarely challenges them, overlooks performance problems, avoids difficult conversations, or agrees to requests without considering the consequences. Managers may also expect employees to be nice by remaining agreeable, accepting decisions without objection, and keeping concerns to themselves.
In these situations, nice is being defined by the behaviors one person requires to make them comfortable.
The Problem with Pleasing People
If being nice means acting in ways that please others, it will inevitably become problematic. Managers cannot always keep employees happy while remaining responsible for the wellbeing of the organization, the team, and the people they serve.
Sometimes leadership requires setting a boundary, denying a request, confronting poor performance, or making a decision that disappoints someone. It may feel nice to excuse an employee from meeting a reasonable expectation because they are frustrated or overwhelmed. But if doing so shifts the burden onto coworkers, reinforces an unhealthy pattern, or compromises the quality of the work, that act of niceness may actually be unfair.
People-pleasing is an unhealthy component of workplace relationships. Managers who need to be liked may delay necessary conversations, make inconsistent exceptions, or offer approval in exchange for cooperation. Employees may learn to manage the manager’s emotions rather than speak honestly about problems.
The result is not a healthy workplace. It is an environment where clarity gives way to guessing, accountability becomes inconsistent, and resentment grows beneath the surface.
The Opposite Problem
Rejecting people-pleasing does not give us permission to disregard how our actions affect others.
Some leaders proudly announce, “I’m not here to make friends,” as though leadership effectiveness requires emotional distance or relational indifference. Others adopt a version of truth-telling that gives them permission to speak harshly, embarrass people, or ignore the human impact of their decisions.
I have known managers who proudly wear the label of being direct while remaining oblivious to the relational wreckage they leave behind. They may have stated the facts accurately, but they delivered those facts without respect, curiosity, or care.
Honesty without empathy does not automatically become good leadership.
Try Kindness
The alternate path between pleasing people on one side and disregarding them on the other is kindness.
Kindness means respecting who another person is and treating them with care. It allows a manager to have honest conversations, uphold reasonable expectations, make difficult decisions, and still leave people whole.
A kind manager can say:
“You are capable of better work than what you submitted.”
“I understand why you are disappointed, but I cannot approve this request.”
“This behavior is affecting the rest of the team, and we need to address it.”
“I disagree with your conclusion, but I want to understand how you reached it.”
None of those statements guarantees that the other person will be pleased. Each one, however, can be communicated with honesty, dignity, and respect.
Kindness is not the avoidance of discomfort. Sometimes kindness requires creating discomfort because an issue needs to be confronted before it causes greater harm.
Empathy Without Overresponsibility
Empathy is a function of kindness. When managers make an honest effort to see the workplace through the experience of another person, they become more inclined to act carefully with that person’s concerns and feelings.
Empathy does not mean agreeing with every perspective or taking responsibility for making everything okay. It means understanding another person’s experience well enough to respond thoughtfully rather than reactively.
In their book Safe People, psychologists Henry Cloud and John Townsend write that empathy helps make relationships real and safe. They also caution that we cannot remain permanently inside another person’s experience without losing our own position.
That balance matters in management. Leaders must be able to understand an employee’s disappointment without surrendering sound judgment to it. They can acknowledge frustration without removing every source of frustration. They can care about how a decision affects someone without allowing that person’s reaction to become the sole measure of whether the decision was right.
Safe Managers
Managers who demand that employees continually please them are not safe. Employees in those environments learn to conceal disagreement, soften bad news, and tell leaders what they want to hear.
At the same time, managers who act without empathy or kindness are also unsafe. Their employees spend unnecessary energy protecting themselves, interpreting moods, preparing for public criticism, or avoiding the next unpleasant interaction.
Psychological safety does not mean that everyone remains comfortable or that standards disappear. It means people can ask questions, admit mistakes, raise concerns, and disagree respectfully without fearing humiliation or retaliation.
Safe managers do not promise to keep everyone happy. They provide something far more valuable: honesty without cruelty, accountability without humiliation, empathy without manipulation, and kindness without the performance of being nice.
Being nice may protect a manager from an uncomfortable moment. Being kind helps people grow.
Kindness in leadership is not always easy, and it will not always be recognized as kindness by the person receiving it. Over time, however, it creates stronger teams, healthier communication, and workplace relationships built on something more dependable than approval.