Why Introverted Leaders Need to Define the Working Relationship
My middle daughter, Megan, was focused on sports and academics in high school and showed little interest in dating until she was in her mid-twenties.
In college, at work, and especially in the young adult group she attended at a large church, she regularly found herself fending off young men whose interest went beyond “being friends.”
She would call me to talk about life and work and mention another in a long line of necessary DTR conversations.
DTR means Define the Relationship.
We used that language to describe the conversation required to help someone understand who she was and how she viewed their relationship.
Managers need a workplace version of the DTR.
I call it DTWR: Define the Working Relationship.
I’ve watched introverts talk themselves out of promotions by using self-protective language:
“I’m not good with large groups.”
“I feel uncomfortable when I have too much interaction during the day.”
“I know we try to function in teams, but can my team be me, myself, and I?”
My problem was not that I said those things. My problem was that, for many years, I said nothing.
For years, I worked closely with a CEO who was a highly visionary, hyper-extroverted leader. We worked well together because he was an activator and I was an implementer. He generated ideas and momentum. I helped turn those ideas into programs, systems, and practical action.
Traveling together, however, was exhausting.
He talked in the car on the way to the airport, while we waited for the flight, and throughout the four-hour plane ride. I would sit there praying that someone else would engage him so I could enjoy a few minutes of peace.
When we got into an Uber, I hoped the driver would take the long way to the hotel so his attention would shift away from me and onto the poor soul driving the car and answering his nonstop questions.
Finally, I would reach my hotel room and enjoy the quiet ritual of unpacking my suitcase. Then my phone would light up with a text asking if I wanted to grab coffee in the lobby and discuss where we should have dinner.
He was a great conversationalist and fun to be with, but the intensity made traveling with him an admixture of enjoyment and misery.
Because he was the CEO, I put up with it for a long time.
Then, shortly before COVID brought the world to a stop, we traveled together to New Orleans where we were both schedule to speak. His schedule opened up, allowing him to attend a training I was leading on healthy interpersonal workplace relationships.
During the presentation, I talked about my introverted temperament and how it shaped my working style and relationships with colleagues.
From that day forward, he began saying things like, “You probably need some decompression time. Why don’t we connect in a couple of hours?”
I thought, man, this is great!
Then I realized something embarrassing. What I had explained to an audience during that training, I had never communicated directly to him.
Note to self: Your manager should not have to attend one of your workshops to learn how to work effectively with you.
Introverted leaders need to clearly define who they are, what strengths they bring, and how they work at their best.
That conversation must be held in tension with the needs of the organization and the people we manage. Defining your working style is not an excuse to avoid necessary responsibilities or require everyone else to accommodate your preferences.
It is a proactive effort to create the conditions in which you can contribute your best work.
Use language such as:
“I do my best thinking when I have time to process complex information before a discussion.”
“I’m fully committed to being accessible, but interruptions make it difficult for me to complete concentrated work. Could we identify predictable times for check-ins?”
“I may not respond immediately in a meeting, but I will follow up after I have considered what was discussed.”
Confidence and clarity can help your manager distinguish between an intentional leadership style and avoidant behavior.
People cannot respect needs you have never communicated.
Stop waiting for them to figure you out.
Define the working relationship.
In Part Three, I’ll discuss how introverted managers can remain accessible, meet the needs of others, and restore the energy leadership requires.